I was given a tip for doing sound. I didn’t deserve it, at least I don’t think so. I did a good enough job with sound, but I still could have done more, been more.

And yet, I was blessed with money anyway. It reminds me that God’s like that. Generous, because it’s his nature. Not calculating. Not weighing the scales to see if I’m doing ‘just good enough.’ Instead, my heavenly dad will surprise me at times when I did nothing to earn it, nothing to deserve it. And those are the things I overlook. Instead, I’ll hold a grudge for him not giving me what I most desire, and I’ll start to wonder if I’m good enough to deserve it. Then I’ll try to manipulate Him (not that we ever call it that), do the right things, be a certain kind of person, to deserve it. He sees right through me. Doesn’t give in. But He’ll give me other things. It’s maddening!

Maybe though, I just miss His goodness, and that blessing isn’t tied to my performance, and that knowing Him is the ultimate blessing. I forget that faith is believing against what appears to be. And God, He may choose to give me a certain blessing or not. But that’s just it. There’s no formula to make God do my bidding. Prayer is not a methodology. It’s a relationship.

Rich Mullins talks about the ‘reckless, raging fury that is the love of God.’ God loves. That’s what He does. But it’s a love that I can’t comprehend, can’t grab onto. But it can be felt, sometimes with force. And sometimes gently when He stoops down and hands me a gift I don’t deserve. In that moment, I smile, for in that moment, grace is a real, living, breathing experience that touches my soul rather than an abstract concept. Eyes down, I finally look up, and He is there, where He’s always been.